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DEATH BY ATTORNEY?

Lawyers are not exempt from asking asinine questions. American lawyers however tend to excel in this department as exemplified by the selection below.

By paulamcc
3 mins read
21 Mar 2014

DEATH BY ATTORNEY?

Lawyers are not exempt from asking asinine questions.  American lawyers however tend to excel in this department as exemplified by the selection below.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:      He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:      My name is Susan! 

__________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS:      July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS:      Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS:      Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS:      Forty-five years.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:      I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:      He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:      Are you shitting me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:      Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS:      Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS:      None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS:      Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:      By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:      Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:      Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:      All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:      Oral…

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ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I finished.

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:      Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:      No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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